Drunk Movie Time, Episode 3: Falkor's Revenge

You know the drill by now. This is my eventually-ending post on The Neverending Story.

Titles: The music is totally 80s, but I can’t see how they expected to get a hit out of this. What, were people gonna turn on the radio to relive the magic of The Neverending Story through the majesty of song? I don't hear it.

Directed by Wolfgang Peterson - I guess he wanted to get as far away from the claustrophobia of Das Boot as possible.

Hitting some very similar thematic material as Labyrinth. I must be a dreamer.

The best way to open a stubborn jar is with a knife, tap around the edges or pry underneath the lid. This kid has a lot of learning to do.

At least they use butter, not margarine. They saw through the bullshit, as Mitch would say.

Another dead mom. Now I’m thinking Labyrinth stole ideas from this bitch.

This kid likes unicorns...and he probably likes Ligers, too.

Was the dad just drinking a screwdriver?

 I kinda like Red Hat Kid. He’s a jerk, but he’s unapologetic. Should have gotten a spinoff.

Broken bottle dude busted drinking on the street in the afternoon. 

Damn Kids!

The bookkeeper is definitely a weirdo. He’s probably got stock in Choose Your Own Adventure titles. "Zork" was the bomb, but I preferred "Wizards, Warriors & YOU!" Warrior+mace was the way to go. Half the spells were ultimate FAIL.

The Bookman is a slightly twisted psychopath, and Bastian is a thief.

They should become good friends.

A lesson for all you kids out there: Skip school and do independent reading and your mother will come back to life. Maybe?

If the rockbiter is made of rock...and he eats rock...isn’t that cannibalism?

"Man, my hands look friggin' delicious! Don't they?"

The Nothing is symbolic of something. I'm thinking...the creeping threat of Communism?

I know I shouldn’t split hairs about the geographical construction of a fantasy land, but why is the Nothing working its way from the outside in?

And if The Nothing is really "nothing," why is it manifest in ominous clouds? Shit should just slowly disappear like a Marty McFly photograph in 1955.

I get the feeling that those bat things get pissed off and eat Night Hobs on the reg.

Whoa, they guy with the racing snail is Deep Roy! Never knew that before...

They must have poached millions of elephants and walruses to construct that Ivory Tower. If kids only knew the dirty secrets behind this Empress.

And how the fuck is the Rockbiter getting his big stony ass up there?

The spokesdude and the two-faced people are freakin' me out.

WTF

The Atreyu introduction...not sure if it's a boy or a girl. Intentionally androgynous?

 Why does he have to leave his weapons behind? They could have at least explained things with a prophecy or something. Why can’t he have help? I'm sure this all addressed in the book, but for the film it just seems random.

The Auryn is a ruse. What freakin' power does it have?

Some great manufactured landscapes:

Atreyu made sure to stop by the famous Valley of Crystal Meth.

Wait, if the wolf, Gmork, lives in Fantasia, then what benefit does he have in seeing it destroyed? It's a suicide mission.

The Swamps of Sadness are probably not far from the Bog of Eternal Stench and the Fire Swamp.

Atreyu is apparently not sad enough about his horse disappearing to let the swamp overtake him. He seems to be immune to the sinkingness.

The cutaways to Bastian are humorous.

Ultimately the whole “this book is different” thing is fake. It’s no different.
This kid is just a basketcase.

That is a big ass turtle. He uses the Royal "We,” which I can dig.
He is thousands of years old.
The Empress is a blip in his lifespan.
Morla don’t give a fuck about fuck.

If the Southern Oracle is 10,000 miles away (in the south, I presume) why hasn’t The Nothing devoured it yet? Fantasia is apparently Jupiter-sized.

The score sounds somewhat Wagner-esque.

Close call being saved by a luck dragon, but apparently Falkor made Atreyu his bitch.
“Leaving so soon? Trying to sneak away? I like children.” He winks a lot, too.

The word “wench” should be used more in this day in age.

Greatest line of all time today: “To the winch, wench!”

The Sphinxes have quite the racks. Just stating the obvious.

Um, why couldn’t Falkor just fly him over the sphinx gate? He might not have gotten him through the Mirror Gate and all the way to the Southern Oracle, but the whole first gate thing is illogically unnecessary when you have a Luck Dragon.

And by the way, when my luck is draggin’, I reach for Colt ’45.

Bastian doesn’t seem to notice that there are mummified bodies in the attic.

And his mind is really blown at the whole concept of an “active reader.” 

Freezing snow is no match for the Plains People and their short-sleeved shirts. I knew kids that wore jean shorts all the time, even when there were 10 inches of snow on the ground.

I used to light candles to watch the X-Files, so I can dig Bastian's desire to set the mood. 

So all she needs is a new name? That’s all? But that’s easy! This human child chooses “LaFawnduh”

The Southern Oracle suffers from some baaaaad leprosy, yo.

See, Falkor flies in to save Atreyu at the Oracle.
The whole 2 gate thing is completely unnecessary. WTF?!?!?!?

THIS IS CINERAMA!!!:

Maybe if Falkor hadn’t lost his arms when he entered the Sea of Possibilities 

he might have been able to hold onto Atreyu. 

I think it was all a big ploy so Falkor could steal the Auryn and claim it for his own. After all, if you are the last dragon, you need a charm of some sort. 

The rockbiter sure traveled a long way, too...after all, he was at the Ivory Tower in the beginning with the Night Hob and the Racing Snail dude at the same time as Atreyu.

“I lost the Auryn...and I can’t find my luck dragon.” TWSS, Atreyu. TWSS.

If Fantasia is “a world of human fantasy,” and “has no boundaries,” then I would assume the Million Sex Cities are immune to The Nothing’s power.

Oh, so the Nothing is a METAPHOR! I TOTALLY FIGURED IT OUT!! During the first scene.

Whoa, Falkor is an AMPHIBIOUS Dragon. You don’t see that everyday.

And holy shit, Falkor can also breathe in space!! Now THAT’S evolution, my friends.

You know what this whole thing needs? That kid from Ladybugs.

The Ivory Tower still stands as the final rocky remnant of all of the hopes and dreams of white upper class children everywhere. A bastion, if you will. OMG I JUST FIGURED IT OUT!!! Clever girl...

Mmmmmm discovering the secret is apple-chompin’ goooood. 

Hmmm, I guess Falkor’s legs are way back from his neck.

That still doesn’t explain why he refused to use them the last half of the movie. -->

  

But earlier when he saved Atreyu...

...the feet were in play!

Oh, and now not so far back...maybe the perspective is just weird, but wtf? 

Do they have bacitracin or mercurochrome in Fantasia? 

Or any imaginary powerful antibiotics?
 

Man, that Childlike Empress is so damn smug.

If she’s so smart, why didn’t she just lure the Earthling no-longer-a-child to the Million Sex Cities and have him pick a new name for her. Like “Shyla.” or “Mercedes.”

So now Bastian is all "It's' only a story! It's not real!"

But earlier when the horse died he was all...

The best I can make out the Empress’s new name is “Moooonsaaavvvyooohhhoooo!!!!”

If the 1 grain of sand is all that remains, then what are she and Bastian standing on? Floating? #Turtlesallthewaydown.

The first wish of an 8 year old boy...

Winding this up, allow me to help you googlestalk the  Empress, Bastian, and Atreyu.  Holy  crap, I didn't realize Atreyu was the same kid who played Boxey on the original "Battlestar Galactica." No wonder I found him incredibly annoying.

That's all for now, people. Tune in again for the next one!