Drunk Movie Time, Episode 2: It Can Only Be Jareth!

Once again I set about to start Drunk Movie Time and once again I’m disgusted with myself that the movie I want to do is not in my archives. Will remedy soon. No spoilers, except it has to do with babysitting and...adventures. But in the meantime I have something very close. I have seen about 15 different references to Labyrinth in the last month so I felt like it was high time I scoped it out again. This is another in a batch of movies that I watched dozens of time in my youth and could probably quote large sections, but it’s been a few years since the last viewing.

As I start this out I’m a little concerned that I’m going to spend most of my time talking about 

1. Jennifer Connelly: she is attractive and I recall other movies in which she has appeared.
2. David Bowie: he is weird and awesome and I recall much music he has made
3. Jim Henson: he is weird and awesome in a totally different way and Sesame Street and Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas, etc.

I’ll try to avoid that and stick to the movie at hand, so pop in your DVD and follow along with Drunk Movie Time, Episode 2: Labyrinth

Titles: Gaaah computerized OWLS!!! I am easily freaked out by such things, but they are not what they seem. Or so the Giant tells me.

Screenplay by Terry Jones (of Monty Python) - never realized that, but not surprised - those guys were off doing great stuff during that period - when you think about Gilliam doing Time Bandits, Brazil, etc., and Cleese was moving toward A Fish Called Wanda.

Exec producer George Lucas.  Hmmm.

Friendly reminder: Jennifer Connelly was 16. This is not Requiem for a Dream. She is an excellent young actress with a bright future ahead of her and that is all.

The 80s had this knack for sweeping establishing treks through the town - It feels like The Goonies right off the bat...

...por ejemplo.

She treats you like a wicked stepmother because you are a huge ‘yatch. Man, this whole family is super dramatic.

Reminder: Jennifer Connelly at 16 is not a very good actress yet.

It’s actually a pretty good but waaay too quick setup to the story. There are only about 2 beats of character establishment (why does she hate her baby brother so much? Does she really? I’m not convinced.)

Most of the knick-knacks around her room foreshadow the people & places she will encounter on her adventure:

{Dead actress mother}

    

The books that inspire her:
Wizard of Oz, Grimm's Fairy Tales,
Hans Christian Anderson, Snow White,
Through the Looking Glass...but--->>

 

A set designer was a huge nerd.

She needs a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend.

The Goblin King Urban Legend is one of the worst. Candyman and Bloody Mary and Beetlejuice are better.

Jeez, she is a TERRIBLE babysitter. Well, at least she didn’t leave the baby sleeping on its stomach, she only let it get kidnapped by David Bowie.

So when he shows up how did she instantly know he was the Goblin King and not Ziggy Stardust? Oh, right...she’s 16.

Bowie is master of FUSHIGI: the Magic Gravity Ball! He can wow his friends!! Must have lots of boring nights watching TV in the Goblin Castle.

Watching this scene w/ Bowie again makes the Flight of the Conchords "Bowie" episode so much better.


<3 that show.

“Labyrinth...it doesn’t look that hard” Sarah apparently thinks a labyrinth is a junior jumble.

She calls Hoggle “Hogwart.” These mofos should sue JK Rowling for a few billion of her dollars.

“Never go that way...if she’d kept going that way she’d have gone straight to the castle”

Ahhhh dramatic irony...

So I’m assuming these are all her reveries b/c she caught pneumonia during that opening scene rainstorm, 

Baby throwing is apparently quite acceptable in the Goblin Castle.

Magic Dance/Power of the Babe - I’m sorry, but this has some of the laziest babe/baby associative lyrics ever. If there’s an actual baby involved you cannot sing a song about how your baby put a spell on you without sounding like the worst kind of pederast.

In other news, Jennifer Connelly is a great actress and excellent at making lipstick arrows.

"Your mother is a fraggin’ aardvark." The little dudes from Willow are pretty rude, ya know?

The whole “One lies and one tells the truth” is a classic and well-played in this scene - and the helping hands tunnel bit is an excellent example of Henson’s influence, another form of puppetry!



Sometimes I feel like I live in an oubliette. Are oubliettes cold at night because their landlords are cheap bastards?

Yeah, seriously, why is Hoggle worried about her?

The “False Alarms” have a nice Python humour to them that is a little lacking otherwise. It’s got some Douglas Adams feeling to it.

The art direction is fantastic. The constantly shifting scenery of the Lab is well conceived and spectacularly executed! On the other hand, her vest outfit is very mom-ish indeed. That collar is...yikes.

Ludo speaks English quite well for a beast.

I wonder what crime Ludo committed to get him hung upside down. The untold stories behind these characters would make for an interesting series of shorts. Hoggle's Dad is Yogurt from Spaceballs, he probably carried the One Ring to Mount Doom (explaining his obsession w/ jewelry) and Ludo grew up Where the Wild Things Are, but he ate that little punk Max and got arrested.

Apparently the knockers need oxygen? Plugging his nose made him open his mouth. He didn’t look like he had lungs...hmmmm. Dubious.

Jareth certainly has a Witch of the West vibe - he keeps showing up wherever he pleases just to fuck shit up.

Love the illusions -->

These things freak me out. Little bit.

I have a feeling that Henson had a bunch of puppeteers take a bunch of acid for a couple days - Ugh, this “Chilly Down” musical digression serves absolutely no purpose. The problem with stories like this is that they make it about “the journey” but they bog down (with eternal stench!) when individual set pieces are so random that they are thematically irrelevant. Don’t get me wrong, this movie is effing great in so many ways, but I still feel like there are wasted/unnecessary scenes.

“When your thing gets wild chilly down.” Good advice. I do this on a nightly basis.

I like the fox, Sir Didymus - he acts like a Fraggle and rides a dog and uses words like “verily.” He abandons his bridge pretty quickly, tho...apparently once he gives permission to one person everyone else after that is cool to go, too.

Okay, nevermind Didymus gets annoying pretty quickly. Ludo has staying power. He’s like Mongo: Only pawn...in game...of life.

Hoggle’s intentions are odd. I don’t get him at all.

Bowie must have practiced juggling balls for a long time...

...he takes 4 at a time!! Yep, I said it.

Sooo, the masquerade/Cinderella sene - the love/hate relationship between Sarah & Jareth is confyooooosing. He seems to be all about her (look at his pants!), and she’s fine with it. She’s passed out inside her fantasy, so I guess it’s forgivable. Apparently there are no age of consent laws in the goblin kingdom. It’s good to be the King.

Yeah, some of the puppets seem like bastard lost characters out of Fraggle Rock. The Junk Lady is a good example....hmmm Charlie Bear! And Betsy Boo!

Lewis Carroll & L. Frank Baum are having a grave fight over which one is more pissed at this movie.

Hoggle even identifies himself as a coward then has to prove himself differently. Why not just make him a lion?

This reminds me a lot of the Samurai from Brazil ->

And he's a Little Green Man in a Can! Homunculus, what!?

Ludo’s ability to call rocks would come in very handy...when? Only when you need lots of goblins run over.

And this reminds me a lot...

...of this.

MC Escher’s is never going to sell that place in this housing market. It has a 1/2 bath (and I mean literally 1/2 of a bathtub) and 47 staircases...and most of those are upside down. Again, Hogwarts borrowed this shit. Rowling is a hack. Harry was Jesus after all.

See...”Just let me rule you...I will be your slave” That’s the great thing about being Goblin King...You get older and the chicks stay the same age. Wait...what?

Lancelot looks an awful lot like Winnie the Pooh. Did anyone get sued?

Ugh, random muppet explosion at the end!!

The Bowie songs are worse than I had remembered. Kitschy but bad. Sorry I’m not sorry.

That does it for another Drunk Movie Time. I have to go listen to Hunky Dory now to get "Chilly Down" out of my head.