Red Carpet Rundown

Here's your final roundup with the Acting and Directing categories and my feelings on the Best Picture Nominees. In case you missed the previous portions, click through to see Part One, Part Two, plus rundowns of the Animated Shorts, Live Action Shorts, Documentary Shorts, and Documentary Features.

This year I managed to see 43 out of the 52 total features and shorts honored by the Academy, meaning I can attest to having seen 113 of the 122 nominees (Over 90%, bam!) To make things easier, here are the nine films I missed, with nary an expected winner in the bunch:

• Four of the Five Foreign Language Films (No, A Royal Affair, Kon-Tiki, War Witch)
• One of the Feature Docs (The Gatekeepers)
• One Animated Feature (The Pirates! Band of Misfits - actually, I did catch the last 30 minutes)
• One with an Original Song Nominee (Chasing Ice)
• One Costume nominee (Mirror, Mirror - It was on Netflix Instant, but...meh. Ok, this is a possible winner, and would be a posthumous win for designer Eiko Ishioka.)
• One Best Actress nominee (The Impossible. It was here and gone in an instant, which meant catching this wave was basically...what's the word? Ah yes. Impracticable.)

Onward:

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Nominees:

• Amy Adams - The Master
• Sally Field - Lincoln
• Anne Hathaway - Les Misérables
• Helen Hunt - The Sessions
• Jacki Weaver - Silver Linings Playbook

Mr. Weinstein draws a lot of water in Hollywood to get Silver Linings Playbook a clean sweep of top nominees, but Weaver is probably here only because of that. The rest of the ladies were memorable, though Hunt's role amounts to more of a lead. She definitely deserves kudos for a strong, revealing comeback, but it's a shame John Hawkes got snubbed, leaving her with the only nomination in a brave, expressive, forward-thinking film. Adams exudes a quiet power in The Master, and I hope she sinks her teeth into more roles like this as opposed to the banal trap of romantic comedies. What's that? She's playing Janis Joplin? Well, so much for quiet power.

...and then Mrs. Lincoln was all, "Eat a sandwich."

That said, depending on the ebb and flow of the voters' feelings on Lincoln, there is an outside chance that Sally Field could steal this. Like Mad Max gulaged into the wastelands outside outside. Oh, that kooky Mary Todd, she was the Jeff to Abe's Mutt. The Tattoo to his Roarke. The unhinged pea to his stoic carrot. In case you haven't heard, the Academy kinda likes her, and in any other year she would be a shoe-in. There are two problems this year, though: (1) Prostitutes always beat First Ladies; and (2) The Oscars are still trying to be "young and hip" despite so much evidence to the contrary. Anne Hathaway is a damn near holy lock to win for delivering perhaps the single most memorable scene of the year. If she tries to act surprised it had better be damned convincing, having just won an award attesting to her abilities in said profession.

Want/Will: Hathaway


Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Nominees:

• Alan Arkin - Argo
• Robert De Niro - Silver Linings Playbook
• Philip Seymour Hoffman - The Master
• Tommy Lee Jones - Lincoln
• Christoph Waltz - Django Unchained

I’ve heard and read a lot of buttering up about De Niro, and he can make whatever films he damn well pleases, thank you very much, but to me he’s been sliding perilously close to self-parody for a while now. Placing a Silver Linings Playbook statue between the Jake LaMotta award and the Young Vito Corleone award would be an easy way to get the new one whacked. 

Arkin is a bit of an oddity here, as I felt he was outshone in virtually every scene by John Goodman. Tommy Lee Jones definitely put in some worthy work, however, heading up a simply spectacular supporting cast while spending "the whole thing looking like an unmade bed," to borrow the words of Wesley Morris. (Great critic, by the way. Worth a read.) 

Waltz steals the show in yet another ride along with QT, gobbling up nearly as much screen time as Jamie Foxx and what seems like double the dialogue. This is your prime annual example of the Academy misplacing a role. Hoffman, too, has enough heft in his to justify lead consideration -- he is, after all, The Master (cue Last Dragon theme) -- but his subtlety is buried by the Vesuvian deluge emitting from Joaquin Phoenix.

Want: Waltz

Will: Jones


Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Nominees:

• Jessica Chastain - Zero Dark Thirty
• Jennifer Lawrence - Silver Linings Playbook
• Emmanuelle Riva - Amour
• Quvenzhané Wallis - Beasts of the Southern Wild
• Naomi Watts - The Impossible

First thing's first, a performance by a six-year-old is not winning an Oscar, no matter how frizzy her hair is, no matter how deliciously precocious and cute --

-- OMG!! SO ADORBS GIVE IT TO HER NOW!

Wait. Pull yourself together, man. Breathe. Composure. Logic. It's not happening. Right then.

Until recently a lot of the buildup for this has pitted Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Lawrence as the frontrunners. I was a fan of Chastain’s single-minded turn as CIA Agent Maya Lastnameredacted in Zero Dark Thirty, though it might have been a more powerfully tragic character if history hadn't intervened (favorably or unfavorably, depending on how you look at it). On the other hand, Jennifer Lawrence’s Tiffany loops through wide, indiscriminate swings that really didn’t add up to “mental instability” as much as “uneven character development,” also known as "bitch be trippin'." Thankfully, momentum is building for Emmanuelle Riva. I will have more to say about her bare, painstaking transformation in Amour during the Best Picture discussion, but I'm taking Lawrence wins then Michael Haneke is right and there is no God. Yes, I understand that may be a self-defeating proclamation.

Want/Will: Riva. 

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Nominees:

• Bradley Cooper - Silver Linings Playbook
• Daniel Day-Lewis - Lincoln
• Hugh Jackman - Les Misérables
• Joaquin Phoenix - The Master
• Denzel Washington - Flight

Denzel flexes his actor muscle once again in a tolerable movie about alcoholism that is more likely to make you quit flying commercial than quit drinking. Apparently not enough people were convinced by Ray Milland. (Now THAT made me put my beer down. Just for a minute, though.) Jackman is okay, but he's no Harry Baur. Cooper, I hate to say it, but he's pretty damn good. He almost made me like him for the first time, and that's saying a lot. (Ok, I'm being a bit hyperbolic, he was great in Wet Hot American Summer.)

I’ve said it before and I'll say it again, Phoenix’s Freddie Quell is a raw, oozing volcano of method acting, on par with Jake LaMotta, or Stanley Kowalski. Paul Thomas Anderson’s piece was visionary but enigmatic, and a pickup for Phoenix could salvage what otherwise seems destined for cinema’s acclaimed-but-quickly-forgotten bin. Phoenix, for his part, couldn’t care less. Or could he? No. No, he couldn’t.

Daniel Day-Lewis is probably just as uninterested in “acting as competition,” he is just much more well-mannered about it. When all is said and done, though, he will go down as the arbitrarily-bestowed "greatest film actor of his generation,” except he will have the hardware to back it up, though it could be argued that he was better as Bill the Butcher than Abe the Law Talkin' Guy. If/when he wins he will be the first male actor to win three times for a lead role. (The incomparable Katharine Hepburn is just laaafffing from up above, clutching at the ghosts of her four best actress trophies.)

Want: Joaquin Phoenix

Will: Daniel Day-Lewis 

Best Achievement in Directing

Nominees:

• Michael Haneke - Amour
• Ang Lee - Life of Pi
• David O. Russell - Silver Linings Playbook
• Steven Spielberg - Lincoln
• Behn Zeitlin - Beasts of the Southern Wild

A lot of controversy over the perceived snubs of Ben Affleck (Argo) and Kathryn Bigelow (Zero Dark Thirty), making the inclusion of Zeitlin a bit of an underdog surprise and Russell likely another piece of the Weinstein puzzle. Frankly, the wind could blow any which way on this, and we may be in for a relatively rare Best Director/Picture split. Haneke is my first choice, but may be having drinks with Joaquin Phoenix, expounding on the meaninglessness and vanity of it all. So I'm rooting for David, but expecting Goliath.

Want: Zeitlin
Will: Spielberg


Best Motion Picture of the Year
Nominees presented in reverse alphabetical order because it's more dramatic that way:

• Zero Dark Thirty

That people can't agree whether Bigelow's film endorses or abhors interrogative torture seems to say more about the people needing to justify their political positions than clarify the film stance, which I found intentionally ambivalent, trying instead to display the reality of the situation. It is much more relevant to view Zero Dark Thirty as a portrait of determined obsession, of a person and of a nation, shining a light on the collateral toll that has mounted along the way. It was also one of the most gripping thrillers of the year, all the more amazing since everyone on the planet already knew the outcome.

• Silver Linings Playbook

It should be clear by now that I was not exactly enamored with SLP. This feeling may have stemmed from seeing the plot described via the film's trailer and deciding (perhaps unfairly) that it was going to be an eye-rolling, cringeworthy shit sundae with a redemptive LET'S DANCE IT OUT! scene as the cherry on top. I will say that I was pleasantly pleased that it exceeded these base expectations, and it is an aboverage romcom, good for some laughs. It is nice to see Chris Tucker back, serving his supporting role with restrained nervous energy. The rest of the cast is solid, but I'm just not seeing the Awards circuit darling. Don't get me started on the multiple Spirit wins last night for a thinly-veiled studio film that pushes through the upper levels of the criteria.

It has problems, from weak and unbelievable plot points to its casual attitude toward mental illness. Mainly, though, the characters are just not very likable, which is a bit of a kiss of death for a feel-good love story, even one trying to be nutty and acerbic. I didn't really care whether or not Pat and Tiffany wind up together. (SPOILER: they totally complete each other!) It's a mess of a film made to look all too tidy. Given its subject matter, perhaps it's quite fitting that it's not all there.

• Lincoln

It has every lofty credential behind it, all the polish on the script, beautiful to ear and eye. The company is top shelf and perfectly cast, with Daniel Day-Lewis a resolute figurehead and Sally Field his complement, with Tommy Lee Jones and James Spader among others pitching in with the heavy lifting and comic relief. Why, then, should the Academy pass it up this year for the big prize? Ultimately, I just think Spielberg is a supremely manipulative (and, yes, talented) director, and transparently so. Granted, film is inherently a medium of manipulation, but even when I agree with the agenda, Spielberg tends to go overboard. With him, they are rarely subtle manipulations, they are powerful -- let's face it, it's propaganda masquerading as a dramatization of history.

• Life of Pi

http://www.film.com/movies/life-of-pi-infographic-richard-parker

One of the most visually striking films of the year, but also one of the most frustrating. Ang Lee's fable takes us for a journey with the promise of an utterly meaningful experience. But while Pi's journey on its face is remarkable, the aimless jumble of "religious-ish" thematic trappings and the distracting, tiresome flashback construction leave the overarching work wanting for a soul. The ending muddies things up even more with Pi's puzzling reinterpretation of events, which strips away the metaphor and undermines much of the symbolism and deeper meaning.

Anecdotally, it definitely didn't help that the theater where I was screening it had a short power outage with about five minutes left in the film, leaving me and a crowd over 30 minutes to sit, think, and sort out what we'd seen before being able to see the conclusion that would hopefully tie everything together. What we got after that wait was, simply, "which story do you prefer?" Me? I would watch the images for hours, but storywise, I'd prefer a different one, thanks.

• Les Misérables

I've said my piece on the live singing experiment and how Tom Hooper's film doesn't quite hold a candlestick to other adaptations. Certainly a memorable experience with Hathaway delivering a wreckage of emotion that would have been nice to be able to dole out to some of the other characters, but overall it's unlikely to surpass the book or the original stage musical for cultural influence.

• Django Unchained

Not likely to take home much hardware this year outside a possible pickup by Waltz, but delicious performances by he, DiCaprio, and Sam Jackson are worth the price of admission. Tarantino is a film nerd's director, stuffing homages, references, and flat-out imitations into his own weird, reinvented world, always delivering his brand of love-it-or-leave-it humor and violence. And man, the dude knows how to rile people up. Spike Lee famously said he would never see Django Unchained, denouncing its very premise as an exploitative revenge fantasy. He's right, it absolutely is, but it's damn fun to watch.

Leaving the race bit out of things for now, this film also fell into a year where gun ownership and acts of violence have been front-page mainstays. (How long until Seth McFarlane makes the crack about how tonight's Oscar is the one who didn't shoot his girlfriend? Low-hanging fruit and way too soon? Yep and yep.) Violence is a part of film culture because violence is part of real life. One of the great things about the medium is that it allows for boundaries to be pushed to the extreme, but contained in a world away from reality, so that we can observe but then safely retreat. Unfortunately the two crossed paths this year in the most tragic of ways. I sometimes wonder what the world be like if guns had never been invented. How dull would movies be without lines like, "Dishes are done, man," "Say 'hello' to my little friend," and "This is my BOOMSTICK!" Just thinking about it makes me sad. Keep doin' what you're doin', QT.

• Beasts of the Southern Wild

I absolutely adored this little gem, a mix of gritty family strife and magical realism, with a hint of twisted Gilliamness. The story flows through plucky little Hushpuppy, winding sometimes aimlessly through tribulations, floods and droughts, giving verve to the "water = life" metaphor and embodying the dogged spirit to preserve a unique way of life. Sometimes hurricanes hit, and sometimes you have to blow up the levee to save your way of life. Probably too small and meandering to be a serious contender, but it's a victory just being in the conversation. Lots of wonderful work by people not overthinking things, just working with passion for the project.

• Argo

It is extremely rare, especially in contemporary terms, for a film to win Best Picture without its director earning even a nomination, but Argo has been a film bucking the odds at every turn. Affleck deftly manages to handle a grave based-on-true-events story with humor, wagging a finger at the ridiculousness of Hollywood ego. Though it paints the Iranian people in very broad superficial terms, it never gets too overtly political, focusing instead on the ingenuity of the rescue mission. You can't help but get caught up in the warm fuzziness, though it goes a little overboard with the tried-and-true "We did it!" finale. Someone please mashup the end of Argo with Apollo 13, stat. Despite the clichés, it has public and critical acclaim in its pocket and Mr. Mo Mentum on its side.

• Amour

I could not take my eyes off of Haneke's meditation on marital commitment and aging. Perhaps it takes some practice getting used to his deliberate austerity, but after the dry terror of Funny Games and the queasy understated wickedness of Caché this almost felt like a picnic...a picnic of death! Emmanuelle Riva deserves the Oscar plus twenty more healthy years to enjoy the afterglow. Her exposed depiction of Anne Laurent, a lucid former piano teacher numbed by slow, brutal decay after a stroke is emotionally shattering, as grueling to witness as it must have been to accomplish. It takes its toll on her body, her mind, her marriage to her husband George (a brilliant Jean-Louis Trintignant), and ultimately the audience.

This is in large part due to Haneke's masterful, exacting direction. He has the ability to gradually lull the viewer (sometimes to sleep) with long takes and terse dialogue, yet the scene is always imbued with a lingering unease, and he finds the precise moment that you've let down your guard to startle you into a chair-clenching, heart-jumping shock. This is not cinema of spectacle by any means, but it delivers an unvarnished realism and packs a powerful emotional punch.

Through Haneke's oeuvre, he recurrently uses the names George and Anne for his main couple, regardless of the actors playing them, and they are typically a genial, educated, and active mid-upper-crust pair. This lends his characters an "anycouple" quality, so that when turmoil and disruptions inevitably befall them it flatly conveys, "This is life. It happens to everyone. It's not always pretty, and it doesn't end happily." It's a pervasively cynical attitude, but there is a tinge of hopefulness springing out of love and a commitment to help support one another through the ugliest moments of existence. Beautiful, soul-searching, gut-wrenching cinema at its finest.

Want: Amour
Will: Argo

Thanks for reading. Hope everyone enjoys the dogs and ponies tonight!

Drunk Movie Time, 'sode 4: Hangin' with Mr. Nuff

It's been a few weeks since I've thrown one of these together because I've been spending an increasing amount of prime time in the out-of-doors, but I needed to get back on the horse-- 

Aaaaiiiiii, not THAT horse! He's running on AIR!
Hey, do you think he knows Falkor?

 Ahh, those cheesy 80’s productions company logos always take me back. Anyway, I'm back in the saddle with another dissection of classic 80s-ness. I'm on a mission to make sure everyone I know loves The Last Dragon as much as I. If you haven't seen it yet, I implore you to rent it yesterday and follow along with this edition of Drunk Movie Time:

The stars are Vanity & Taimak: I don’t think there are enough single-named “actors” anymore.

Chopsticks are a very important part of marital arts training. Mr. Miyagi told me so.

For those of you Mythbusters fanatics who wanna cry foul about Taimak catching those arrows I suggest you watch this...(at least 4:30 through 5:30):

http://youtu.be/uLj8eK814o0?t=4m27s

Betcha didn't know I was such a badass archer, didja?

(Don't forget...bikini skiing up next!!)

When I reach the Final Level it looks something like this:

And then I make Ganon my bitch with the Silver Arrow. 
And make sweet, sweet love to Zelda.

The belt buckle, er...charm looks like a space invader.

There are some clever transitions in this theater scene cutting between Bruce Lee’s reactions in Enter the Dragon and the live action. Nicely done.

Kid gave Sho’Nuff a facepalm. Excellent.

Eating popcorn with chopsticks. Probably one my favorite little touches to his character.

Cyclone: “That’s the only guy that stands between Sho
...and total supremacaaaay.”

Mr. Nuff: “Catches bullets with his teeth??!!”

Foreshadowing!! His disbelief would be his undoing.

Mr. Nuff: “The shogun is BACK on the scene!” 

I really wonder where he went. DId he take a trip to see his grandmoms upstate?

Half shirts!! And a drag queen. Excellent scene...

I'm just...wow.

Does Rock have a pet Vat of Boiling Acid? I wonder why those never caught on. That sounds like it came from Mainway Toys.

Ok, nevermind, there’s something moving in the acid. It must be a distant cousin to the thing from the trash compactor in Star Wars. Or the swamp of Dagobah.

Rock is really put out by Angie’s “success.”

He’s got an amazing jacket, though...

Every time I see Faith Prince in this it makes me nostalgic for that “Encyclopedia” show that was on HBO when I was a kid. I remember her and Jim Fyfe, but nobody else.  (To the INTERNET!)

OMG I CAN'T GET THAT SONG OUT OF MY HEAD NOW!!!

And I totally forgot about Betty.

Ahhh DeBarge just jumped up from out of nowhere!!

Different version than the movie, but who cares? The music’s playin’ and this is a celebration of amazingly terrible 80s fashion!

William H. Macy! What a jacket!

Eddie Arkadian is a self-professed video game king (much like Noah Vanderhoff of Noah’s Arcade). He’s going to go in the tank in a few years once my parents buy me a Nintendo. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and laugh at him. 

And buy stock in Nintendo and Microsoft.

Ugh, it turns out Laura Charles is not very talented. She’s pretty fine, tho'.
And her dress looks like an Egyptian computer chip.

Aaaahh, the computerized kiss blowing is freaking me out. It’s like a spooky pink bat!

Why is Leroy outside the 7th Heaven show right when Laura is getting attacked? Very convenient...bad writing.

The love theme is a total ripoff of Atlantic Starr’s “Always” and you know it.

Damn, I wish that song were not a duet...I would totally kill that at karaoke. 

Need to find a partna.

The best place to deposit an unruly limo driver is through the open window of his open front door. He will look silly when he tries to stand up and you will laugh, because Kung Fu is mostly about being silly.

He put her in that cab from Scrooged that takes Frank back to the 1948.

Eddie (to Angie): “Don’t bug me...FIX YOUR FACE!”

And THAT, my friends, is how you talk to a lady...at least one who is wearing a whole colony of exploded Snorks.

Great subtle humor:

Thugs: “...it was these bodyguards, 20 or 30 of them...big...BLACK GUYS.”

<they look guiltily at the black guy with them>

Black thug: Yeah, with chains!

I guess that makes it okay?

Yeah, Leroy has a Bruce Lee Game of Death tracksuit! Just like the Bride!

Johnny keeps calling himself an “Oriental Dude.” Ahhh 80s...

My mantra: “KISS MY CONVERSE!!”

I’m guessing this is the next day, but all the people in Mr. Nuff’s gang are wearing the same thing as they were in the theater scene. You think he has a bunch of those outfits, or have they just not been home to change?

RUDY!

Every attempt to make the chopsticks look like a Jell-O Pudding Pop
ended up looking very, very wrong.

Instead, here is a video of her doin' her thang.

And just because, here is Bill Cosby and his pal Mortimer Ichabod Marker.

I think one of the best things about this movie is that it deals with racial issues through the confrontation of urban intermingling. The black people own a pizza shop; lots of non-Asians are into kung fu to the extent that they recognize the concept of a territorial shogun; for their part the Asians are just as likely to be into modern clothes and listening to club music and (Berry Gordy’s version of) hip-hop, and essentially mock their own cultural heritage. And the whites...are mostly gangsters and thugs.

Another kidnapping attempt...and Leroy again in the right place...this time at least they set up why he was there.

Cyndi Lauper mocking a bit?

The thing to say when a ninja shatters down your door:

 Eddie: “Who the hell is this guy? We didn’t order out!” 

There's always time for wisecracks!

Wait, does Laura live in the same apartment building as Arkadian? 

He got her home, like, immediately.

Oh, Leroy...you have no moves. Cock’s crow? Not so much.

Ever-helpful NY cops.

Yes, the white dude with the thick glasses and the too tight shirt drinking a screwdriver
in the middle of the day...he’s the one who knows where to find Sum Dum Goy.

Things you never see unless you have the widescreen version: 

Dude on the left using a pick to comb his hair!

As if the see-through shirt and single finglerless glove weren’t enough.

I am seriously crestfallen (you guys) that there is not an officially official music video for Raw Dog's "Suki Yaki Hot Sake Sue.".

“Ain’t no masters here dude...ain’t no slaves either.”

I think I could write a really academic piece about race relations and how this movie might have sparked Spike Lee to make Do the Right Thing, But that would be a lot of bullshit.

Speaking of Sum Dum Goy, did you know that a “goy” is a non-Jewish white person?

Yes! Now Sho'Nuff is ready for gameday!

I do love that Mama Green was gonna attack ShoNuff with a pizza peel.

This is a modern commentary on the death of the small business. As Shogun of Harlem, Sho'Nuff represents the ruthlessness of corporate greed, willing to do anything and everything to dominate the economic landscape, even to the extreme of vandalizing a Mom & Pop store that might be a threat. Dirty pool, Mr. Nuff. Dirty pool.

Sho'Nuff hates Angie’s music, too. So I think that officially makes everybody but Eddie.

Team Sho'Nuff rides in an A-Team pedo-van:

The back windows match his shades. The ladder on the back is also very important
so you can get people up there to do kung fu and/or dance moves during your inevitable music video.

Oh, no...maybe violence IS the answer? Black Panthers, UNITE!

I think MLK would find this movie totally jive.

Johnny  after meeting Laura Charles...priceless.

TIA.

Lots of broken tables in this joint.

Man, Angie's outfits...just spectacular.

Awww, dramatic moment revealing Eddie’s insecurities. Not exactly On The Waterfront.

Great stinger on the end of the scene...

Eddie: “Where you goin’?”

Angie: “Elocution class.”

Eddie: “What for?”

Love that.

Mr. Nuff has his own fight club... but why does he get to wear shoulderpads? 

Seems like an unfair advantage.

As if Eddie and Rock weren’t dressed beautifully, the hairpieces are a nice touch. 

They almost look like Teddy Boys.

Paraphrasing:

Leroy: I will be your bodyguard if you help me on this mission.

Laura: Wait here, I need 5 minutes to change into my Oriental clothes.

Ok, so she put together the Bruce Lee montage. I can buy that. But how did she know to use a song that talks about “Reach the Upper Level” “When you Got That Glow”? He just taught her about these concepts 20 minutes ago at her apartment. Conveniently dubious.

I don’t think that kid’s jean jacket is military issue.
He’s a Sergeant of what...Candy Land?

Odd (and convenient) that she would edit that scene of Chinese Connection where Bruce Lee is disguised as a phone repairman. The kissing scene makes sense (she wanted to teach him some moves.) But then the disguise scene comes up and she asks him “What’s that?” I think she’s manipulative. And knows more than she’s letting on. If this were a James Bond film this would be the point where I reveal Laura Charles as a double agent.

Favorite newfound line from this viewing comes from the dude with the blue mesh shirt and the snake-print vest:

“I don’t know what you’re up to, buddy, 

but I’m gonna RIP YOUR FACE OFF!”

Johnny: "How about something in a medium-sized Oriental?"

Angie: “No thanks...I’m not Jewish” 

What?! Ha!

I do like his tank top. Takes style points from their uniforms earlier.

Awww 80s music videos...You were the best:

That video is incredibly phallic.

So what do these 3 guys do at the fortune cookie factory? Are they guards? Are there no other employees? They make it sound like they run the place but they don’t seem to be running a very tight ship. 

Wow they got a little 80s Stevie Wonder in here. Never noticed that one.

Ninja kid! Why is this his first appearance in the movie? He's a scene stealer.

Now I’m remembering that Ernie Reyes, Jr. was really hot shit for a little stretch.

Anyone else remember Sidekicks!!? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090519/

All of these thugs should be easy to take out because they are too busy shining flashlights from a low angle up at their faces trying to look scary.

Oh no wait! Spotlights built into the floor. Excellent work, Mr (or Mrs) Set Designer.

Wow that escalated quickly. It’s like a Royal Rumble!

Richie is totally poppin’ and lockin’ his way out of his bindings! YES!

There is way more of Ernie Reyes fighting in this scene than anyone else.

Real-life update: He’s still working, not destroyed by drugs and alcohol, not fallen into a reality TV level of obscurity. I can really respect that the discipline instilled in him as a young kid probably kept him on a pa-- OH SHIT, HE’S BREAKDANCE FIGHTING!!! 

I won’t say much about the thrilling Sho'Down between Bruce Leroy and the Shogun of Harlem, except that if anyone wants to get me a set of red silk pajamas with a tiger over the shoulder just like Mr. Nuff’s I will totally ‘fro out my hair for Halloween. Weddings. Bar Mitzvahs. Or just anytime.

Gotta hand it to Eddie Arkadian: He’s wheeling and dealing even after trying to pop a cap in someone’s ass...er, mouth.

I call this move "Eating the Big Mac."

When we all wear white it's like there is no race. Except white.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go find a lady to teach me some moves. 

Where is my paintbrush?

Drunk Movie Time, Episode 3: Falkor's Revenge

You know the drill by now. This is my eventually-ending post on The Neverending Story.

Titles: The music is totally 80s, but I can’t see how they expected to get a hit out of this. What, were people gonna turn on the radio to relive the magic of The Neverending Story through the majesty of song? I don't hear it.

Directed by Wolfgang Peterson - I guess he wanted to get as far away from the claustrophobia of Das Boot as possible.

Hitting some very similar thematic material as Labyrinth. I must be a dreamer.

The best way to open a stubborn jar is with a knife, tap around the edges or pry underneath the lid. This kid has a lot of learning to do.

At least they use butter, not margarine. They saw through the bullshit, as Mitch would say.

Another dead mom. Now I’m thinking Labyrinth stole ideas from this bitch.

This kid likes unicorns...and he probably likes Ligers, too.

Was the dad just drinking a screwdriver?

 I kinda like Red Hat Kid. He’s a jerk, but he’s unapologetic. Should have gotten a spinoff.

Broken bottle dude busted drinking on the street in the afternoon. 

Damn Kids!

The bookkeeper is definitely a weirdo. He’s probably got stock in Choose Your Own Adventure titles. "Zork" was the bomb, but I preferred "Wizards, Warriors & YOU!" Warrior+mace was the way to go. Half the spells were ultimate FAIL.

The Bookman is a slightly twisted psychopath, and Bastian is a thief.

They should become good friends.

A lesson for all you kids out there: Skip school and do independent reading and your mother will come back to life. Maybe?

If the rockbiter is made of rock...and he eats rock...isn’t that cannibalism?

"Man, my hands look friggin' delicious! Don't they?"

The Nothing is symbolic of something. I'm thinking...the creeping threat of Communism?

I know I shouldn’t split hairs about the geographical construction of a fantasy land, but why is the Nothing working its way from the outside in?

And if The Nothing is really "nothing," why is it manifest in ominous clouds? Shit should just slowly disappear like a Marty McFly photograph in 1955.

I get the feeling that those bat things get pissed off and eat Night Hobs on the reg.

Whoa, they guy with the racing snail is Deep Roy! Never knew that before...

They must have poached millions of elephants and walruses to construct that Ivory Tower. If kids only knew the dirty secrets behind this Empress.

And how the fuck is the Rockbiter getting his big stony ass up there?

The spokesdude and the two-faced people are freakin' me out.

WTF

The Atreyu introduction...not sure if it's a boy or a girl. Intentionally androgynous?

 Why does he have to leave his weapons behind? They could have at least explained things with a prophecy or something. Why can’t he have help? I'm sure this all addressed in the book, but for the film it just seems random.

The Auryn is a ruse. What freakin' power does it have?

Some great manufactured landscapes:

Atreyu made sure to stop by the famous Valley of Crystal Meth.

Wait, if the wolf, Gmork, lives in Fantasia, then what benefit does he have in seeing it destroyed? It's a suicide mission.

The Swamps of Sadness are probably not far from the Bog of Eternal Stench and the Fire Swamp.

Atreyu is apparently not sad enough about his horse disappearing to let the swamp overtake him. He seems to be immune to the sinkingness.

The cutaways to Bastian are humorous.

Ultimately the whole “this book is different” thing is fake. It’s no different.
This kid is just a basketcase.

That is a big ass turtle. He uses the Royal "We,” which I can dig.
He is thousands of years old.
The Empress is a blip in his lifespan.
Morla don’t give a fuck about fuck.

If the Southern Oracle is 10,000 miles away (in the south, I presume) why hasn’t The Nothing devoured it yet? Fantasia is apparently Jupiter-sized.

The score sounds somewhat Wagner-esque.

Close call being saved by a luck dragon, but apparently Falkor made Atreyu his bitch.
“Leaving so soon? Trying to sneak away? I like children.” He winks a lot, too.

The word “wench” should be used more in this day in age.

Greatest line of all time today: “To the winch, wench!”

The Sphinxes have quite the racks. Just stating the obvious.

Um, why couldn’t Falkor just fly him over the sphinx gate? He might not have gotten him through the Mirror Gate and all the way to the Southern Oracle, but the whole first gate thing is illogically unnecessary when you have a Luck Dragon.

And by the way, when my luck is draggin’, I reach for Colt ’45.

Bastian doesn’t seem to notice that there are mummified bodies in the attic.

And his mind is really blown at the whole concept of an “active reader.” 

Freezing snow is no match for the Plains People and their short-sleeved shirts. I knew kids that wore jean shorts all the time, even when there were 10 inches of snow on the ground.

I used to light candles to watch the X-Files, so I can dig Bastian's desire to set the mood. 

So all she needs is a new name? That’s all? But that’s easy! This human child chooses “LaFawnduh”

The Southern Oracle suffers from some baaaaad leprosy, yo.

See, Falkor flies in to save Atreyu at the Oracle.
The whole 2 gate thing is completely unnecessary. WTF?!?!?!?

THIS IS CINERAMA!!!:

Maybe if Falkor hadn’t lost his arms when he entered the Sea of Possibilities 

he might have been able to hold onto Atreyu. 

I think it was all a big ploy so Falkor could steal the Auryn and claim it for his own. After all, if you are the last dragon, you need a charm of some sort. 

The rockbiter sure traveled a long way, too...after all, he was at the Ivory Tower in the beginning with the Night Hob and the Racing Snail dude at the same time as Atreyu.

“I lost the Auryn...and I can’t find my luck dragon.” TWSS, Atreyu. TWSS.

If Fantasia is “a world of human fantasy,” and “has no boundaries,” then I would assume the Million Sex Cities are immune to The Nothing’s power.

Oh, so the Nothing is a METAPHOR! I TOTALLY FIGURED IT OUT!! During the first scene.

Whoa, Falkor is an AMPHIBIOUS Dragon. You don’t see that everyday.

And holy shit, Falkor can also breathe in space!! Now THAT’S evolution, my friends.

You know what this whole thing needs? That kid from Ladybugs.

The Ivory Tower still stands as the final rocky remnant of all of the hopes and dreams of white upper class children everywhere. A bastion, if you will. OMG I JUST FIGURED IT OUT!!! Clever girl...

Mmmmmm discovering the secret is apple-chompin’ goooood. 

Hmmm, I guess Falkor’s legs are way back from his neck.

That still doesn’t explain why he refused to use them the last half of the movie. -->

  

But earlier when he saved Atreyu...

...the feet were in play!

Oh, and now not so far back...maybe the perspective is just weird, but wtf? 

Do they have bacitracin or mercurochrome in Fantasia? 

Or any imaginary powerful antibiotics?
 

Man, that Childlike Empress is so damn smug.

If she’s so smart, why didn’t she just lure the Earthling no-longer-a-child to the Million Sex Cities and have him pick a new name for her. Like “Shyla.” or “Mercedes.”

So now Bastian is all "It's' only a story! It's not real!"

But earlier when the horse died he was all...

The best I can make out the Empress’s new name is “Moooonsaaavvvyooohhhoooo!!!!”

If the 1 grain of sand is all that remains, then what are she and Bastian standing on? Floating? #Turtlesallthewaydown.

The first wish of an 8 year old boy...

Winding this up, allow me to help you googlestalk the  Empress, Bastian, and Atreyu.  Holy  crap, I didn't realize Atreyu was the same kid who played Boxey on the original "Battlestar Galactica." No wonder I found him incredibly annoying.

That's all for now, people. Tune in again for the next one!