Drunk Movie Time, Episode 3: Falkor's Revenge

You know the drill by now. This is my eventually-ending post on The Neverending Story.

Titles: The music is totally 80s, but I can’t see how they expected to get a hit out of this. What, were people gonna turn on the radio to relive the magic of The Neverending Story through the majesty of song? I don't hear it.

Directed by Wolfgang Peterson - I guess he wanted to get as far away from the claustrophobia of Das Boot as possible.

Hitting some very similar thematic material as Labyrinth. I must be a dreamer.

The best way to open a stubborn jar is with a knife, tap around the edges or pry underneath the lid. This kid has a lot of learning to do.

At least they use butter, not margarine. They saw through the bullshit, as Mitch would say.

Another dead mom. Now I’m thinking Labyrinth stole ideas from this bitch.

This kid likes unicorns...and he probably likes Ligers, too.

Was the dad just drinking a screwdriver?

 I kinda like Red Hat Kid. He’s a jerk, but he’s unapologetic. Should have gotten a spinoff.

Broken bottle dude busted drinking on the street in the afternoon. 

Damn Kids!

The bookkeeper is definitely a weirdo. He’s probably got stock in Choose Your Own Adventure titles. "Zork" was the bomb, but I preferred "Wizards, Warriors & YOU!" Warrior+mace was the way to go. Half the spells were ultimate FAIL.

The Bookman is a slightly twisted psychopath, and Bastian is a thief.

They should become good friends.

A lesson for all you kids out there: Skip school and do independent reading and your mother will come back to life. Maybe?

If the rockbiter is made of rock...and he eats rock...isn’t that cannibalism?

"Man, my hands look friggin' delicious! Don't they?"

The Nothing is symbolic of something. I'm thinking...the creeping threat of Communism?

I know I shouldn’t split hairs about the geographical construction of a fantasy land, but why is the Nothing working its way from the outside in?

And if The Nothing is really "nothing," why is it manifest in ominous clouds? Shit should just slowly disappear like a Marty McFly photograph in 1955.

I get the feeling that those bat things get pissed off and eat Night Hobs on the reg.

Whoa, they guy with the racing snail is Deep Roy! Never knew that before...

They must have poached millions of elephants and walruses to construct that Ivory Tower. If kids only knew the dirty secrets behind this Empress.

And how the fuck is the Rockbiter getting his big stony ass up there?

The spokesdude and the two-faced people are freakin' me out.

WTF

The Atreyu introduction...not sure if it's a boy or a girl. Intentionally androgynous?

 Why does he have to leave his weapons behind? They could have at least explained things with a prophecy or something. Why can’t he have help? I'm sure this all addressed in the book, but for the film it just seems random.

The Auryn is a ruse. What freakin' power does it have?

Some great manufactured landscapes:

Atreyu made sure to stop by the famous Valley of Crystal Meth.

Wait, if the wolf, Gmork, lives in Fantasia, then what benefit does he have in seeing it destroyed? It's a suicide mission.

The Swamps of Sadness are probably not far from the Bog of Eternal Stench and the Fire Swamp.

Atreyu is apparently not sad enough about his horse disappearing to let the swamp overtake him. He seems to be immune to the sinkingness.

The cutaways to Bastian are humorous.

Ultimately the whole “this book is different” thing is fake. It’s no different.
This kid is just a basketcase.

That is a big ass turtle. He uses the Royal "We,” which I can dig.
He is thousands of years old.
The Empress is a blip in his lifespan.
Morla don’t give a fuck about fuck.

If the Southern Oracle is 10,000 miles away (in the south, I presume) why hasn’t The Nothing devoured it yet? Fantasia is apparently Jupiter-sized.

The score sounds somewhat Wagner-esque.

Close call being saved by a luck dragon, but apparently Falkor made Atreyu his bitch.
“Leaving so soon? Trying to sneak away? I like children.” He winks a lot, too.

The word “wench” should be used more in this day in age.

Greatest line of all time today: “To the winch, wench!”

The Sphinxes have quite the racks. Just stating the obvious.

Um, why couldn’t Falkor just fly him over the sphinx gate? He might not have gotten him through the Mirror Gate and all the way to the Southern Oracle, but the whole first gate thing is illogically unnecessary when you have a Luck Dragon.

And by the way, when my luck is draggin’, I reach for Colt ’45.

Bastian doesn’t seem to notice that there are mummified bodies in the attic.

And his mind is really blown at the whole concept of an “active reader.” 

Freezing snow is no match for the Plains People and their short-sleeved shirts. I knew kids that wore jean shorts all the time, even when there were 10 inches of snow on the ground.

I used to light candles to watch the X-Files, so I can dig Bastian's desire to set the mood. 

So all she needs is a new name? That’s all? But that’s easy! This human child chooses “LaFawnduh”

The Southern Oracle suffers from some baaaaad leprosy, yo.

See, Falkor flies in to save Atreyu at the Oracle.
The whole 2 gate thing is completely unnecessary. WTF?!?!?!?

THIS IS CINERAMA!!!:

Maybe if Falkor hadn’t lost his arms when he entered the Sea of Possibilities 

he might have been able to hold onto Atreyu. 

I think it was all a big ploy so Falkor could steal the Auryn and claim it for his own. After all, if you are the last dragon, you need a charm of some sort. 

The rockbiter sure traveled a long way, too...after all, he was at the Ivory Tower in the beginning with the Night Hob and the Racing Snail dude at the same time as Atreyu.

“I lost the Auryn...and I can’t find my luck dragon.” TWSS, Atreyu. TWSS.

If Fantasia is “a world of human fantasy,” and “has no boundaries,” then I would assume the Million Sex Cities are immune to The Nothing’s power.

Oh, so the Nothing is a METAPHOR! I TOTALLY FIGURED IT OUT!! During the first scene.

Whoa, Falkor is an AMPHIBIOUS Dragon. You don’t see that everyday.

And holy shit, Falkor can also breathe in space!! Now THAT’S evolution, my friends.

You know what this whole thing needs? That kid from Ladybugs.

The Ivory Tower still stands as the final rocky remnant of all of the hopes and dreams of white upper class children everywhere. A bastion, if you will. OMG I JUST FIGURED IT OUT!!! Clever girl...

Mmmmmm discovering the secret is apple-chompin’ goooood. 

Hmmm, I guess Falkor’s legs are way back from his neck.

That still doesn’t explain why he refused to use them the last half of the movie. -->

  

But earlier when he saved Atreyu...

...the feet were in play!

Oh, and now not so far back...maybe the perspective is just weird, but wtf? 

Do they have bacitracin or mercurochrome in Fantasia? 

Or any imaginary powerful antibiotics?
 

Man, that Childlike Empress is so damn smug.

If she’s so smart, why didn’t she just lure the Earthling no-longer-a-child to the Million Sex Cities and have him pick a new name for her. Like “Shyla.” or “Mercedes.”

So now Bastian is all "It's' only a story! It's not real!"

But earlier when the horse died he was all...

The best I can make out the Empress’s new name is “Moooonsaaavvvyooohhhoooo!!!!”

If the 1 grain of sand is all that remains, then what are she and Bastian standing on? Floating? #Turtlesallthewaydown.

The first wish of an 8 year old boy...

Winding this up, allow me to help you googlestalk the  Empress, Bastian, and Atreyu.  Holy  crap, I didn't realize Atreyu was the same kid who played Boxey on the original "Battlestar Galactica." No wonder I found him incredibly annoying.

That's all for now, people. Tune in again for the next one!

Drunk Movie Time, Episode 2: It Can Only Be Jareth!

Once again I set about to start Drunk Movie Time and once again I’m disgusted with myself that the movie I want to do is not in my archives. Will remedy soon. No spoilers, except it has to do with babysitting and...adventures. But in the meantime I have something very close. I have seen about 15 different references to Labyrinth in the last month so I felt like it was high time I scoped it out again. This is another in a batch of movies that I watched dozens of time in my youth and could probably quote large sections, but it’s been a few years since the last viewing.

As I start this out I’m a little concerned that I’m going to spend most of my time talking about 

1. Jennifer Connelly: she is attractive and I recall other movies in which she has appeared.
2. David Bowie: he is weird and awesome and I recall much music he has made
3. Jim Henson: he is weird and awesome in a totally different way and Sesame Street and Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas, etc.

I’ll try to avoid that and stick to the movie at hand, so pop in your DVD and follow along with Drunk Movie Time, Episode 2: Labyrinth

Titles: Gaaah computerized OWLS!!! I am easily freaked out by such things, but they are not what they seem. Or so the Giant tells me.

Screenplay by Terry Jones (of Monty Python) - never realized that, but not surprised - those guys were off doing great stuff during that period - when you think about Gilliam doing Time Bandits, Brazil, etc., and Cleese was moving toward A Fish Called Wanda.

Exec producer George Lucas.  Hmmm.

Friendly reminder: Jennifer Connelly was 16. This is not Requiem for a Dream. She is an excellent young actress with a bright future ahead of her and that is all.

The 80s had this knack for sweeping establishing treks through the town - It feels like The Goonies right off the bat...

...por ejemplo.

She treats you like a wicked stepmother because you are a huge ‘yatch. Man, this whole family is super dramatic.

Reminder: Jennifer Connelly at 16 is not a very good actress yet.

It’s actually a pretty good but waaay too quick setup to the story. There are only about 2 beats of character establishment (why does she hate her baby brother so much? Does she really? I’m not convinced.)

Most of the knick-knacks around her room foreshadow the people & places she will encounter on her adventure:

{Dead actress mother}

    

The books that inspire her:
Wizard of Oz, Grimm's Fairy Tales,
Hans Christian Anderson, Snow White,
Through the Looking Glass...but--->>

 

A set designer was a huge nerd.

She needs a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend.

The Goblin King Urban Legend is one of the worst. Candyman and Bloody Mary and Beetlejuice are better.

Jeez, she is a TERRIBLE babysitter. Well, at least she didn’t leave the baby sleeping on its stomach, she only let it get kidnapped by David Bowie.

So when he shows up how did she instantly know he was the Goblin King and not Ziggy Stardust? Oh, right...she’s 16.

Bowie is master of FUSHIGI: the Magic Gravity Ball! He can wow his friends!! Must have lots of boring nights watching TV in the Goblin Castle.

Watching this scene w/ Bowie again makes the Flight of the Conchords "Bowie" episode so much better.


<3 that show.

“Labyrinth...it doesn’t look that hard” Sarah apparently thinks a labyrinth is a junior jumble.

She calls Hoggle “Hogwart.” These mofos should sue JK Rowling for a few billion of her dollars.

“Never go that way...if she’d kept going that way she’d have gone straight to the castle”

Ahhhh dramatic irony...

So I’m assuming these are all her reveries b/c she caught pneumonia during that opening scene rainstorm, 

Baby throwing is apparently quite acceptable in the Goblin Castle.

Magic Dance/Power of the Babe - I’m sorry, but this has some of the laziest babe/baby associative lyrics ever. If there’s an actual baby involved you cannot sing a song about how your baby put a spell on you without sounding like the worst kind of pederast.

In other news, Jennifer Connelly is a great actress and excellent at making lipstick arrows.

"Your mother is a fraggin’ aardvark." The little dudes from Willow are pretty rude, ya know?

The whole “One lies and one tells the truth” is a classic and well-played in this scene - and the helping hands tunnel bit is an excellent example of Henson’s influence, another form of puppetry!



Sometimes I feel like I live in an oubliette. Are oubliettes cold at night because their landlords are cheap bastards?

Yeah, seriously, why is Hoggle worried about her?

The “False Alarms” have a nice Python humour to them that is a little lacking otherwise. It’s got some Douglas Adams feeling to it.

The art direction is fantastic. The constantly shifting scenery of the Lab is well conceived and spectacularly executed! On the other hand, her vest outfit is very mom-ish indeed. That collar is...yikes.

Ludo speaks English quite well for a beast.

I wonder what crime Ludo committed to get him hung upside down. The untold stories behind these characters would make for an interesting series of shorts. Hoggle's Dad is Yogurt from Spaceballs, he probably carried the One Ring to Mount Doom (explaining his obsession w/ jewelry) and Ludo grew up Where the Wild Things Are, but he ate that little punk Max and got arrested.

Apparently the knockers need oxygen? Plugging his nose made him open his mouth. He didn’t look like he had lungs...hmmmm. Dubious.

Jareth certainly has a Witch of the West vibe - he keeps showing up wherever he pleases just to fuck shit up.

Love the illusions -->

These things freak me out. Little bit.

I have a feeling that Henson had a bunch of puppeteers take a bunch of acid for a couple days - Ugh, this “Chilly Down” musical digression serves absolutely no purpose. The problem with stories like this is that they make it about “the journey” but they bog down (with eternal stench!) when individual set pieces are so random that they are thematically irrelevant. Don’t get me wrong, this movie is effing great in so many ways, but I still feel like there are wasted/unnecessary scenes.

“When your thing gets wild chilly down.” Good advice. I do this on a nightly basis.

I like the fox, Sir Didymus - he acts like a Fraggle and rides a dog and uses words like “verily.” He abandons his bridge pretty quickly, tho...apparently once he gives permission to one person everyone else after that is cool to go, too.

Okay, nevermind Didymus gets annoying pretty quickly. Ludo has staying power. He’s like Mongo: Only pawn...in game...of life.

Hoggle’s intentions are odd. I don’t get him at all.

Bowie must have practiced juggling balls for a long time...

...he takes 4 at a time!! Yep, I said it.

Sooo, the masquerade/Cinderella sene - the love/hate relationship between Sarah & Jareth is confyooooosing. He seems to be all about her (look at his pants!), and she’s fine with it. She’s passed out inside her fantasy, so I guess it’s forgivable. Apparently there are no age of consent laws in the goblin kingdom. It’s good to be the King.

Yeah, some of the puppets seem like bastard lost characters out of Fraggle Rock. The Junk Lady is a good example....hmmm Charlie Bear! And Betsy Boo!

Lewis Carroll & L. Frank Baum are having a grave fight over which one is more pissed at this movie.

Hoggle even identifies himself as a coward then has to prove himself differently. Why not just make him a lion?

This reminds me a lot of the Samurai from Brazil ->

And he's a Little Green Man in a Can! Homunculus, what!?

Ludo’s ability to call rocks would come in very handy...when? Only when you need lots of goblins run over.

And this reminds me a lot...

...of this.

MC Escher’s is never going to sell that place in this housing market. It has a 1/2 bath (and I mean literally 1/2 of a bathtub) and 47 staircases...and most of those are upside down. Again, Hogwarts borrowed this shit. Rowling is a hack. Harry was Jesus after all.

See...”Just let me rule you...I will be your slave” That’s the great thing about being Goblin King...You get older and the chicks stay the same age. Wait...what?

Lancelot looks an awful lot like Winnie the Pooh. Did anyone get sued?

Ugh, random muppet explosion at the end!!

The Bowie songs are worse than I had remembered. Kitschy but bad. Sorry I’m not sorry.

That does it for another Drunk Movie Time. I have to go listen to Hunky Dory now to get "Chilly Down" out of my head.

Submarine (2010) --85/100--

For some reason I’ve been really struck by a lot of stuff from the British Isles lately, starting with this indie gem, a quirky coming-of-age flick with moments that vibe like Napoleon Dynamite, but waaaay smarter. Loquacious even. In fact it’s more like WElSh Anderson. This is the debut feature film of Richard Ayoade, who for any fans of IFC’s programming plays the odd-coiffed, bespectacled Moss on “The IT Crowd,” and his strong dual Wr/Dir effort in adapting Joe Dunthorne’s novel for the screen shows that he is primed to be a fresh addition to the ranks of young auteurs.

I just can’t withhold a full-body smirk when I see such sly shout-outs to Don’t Look Now and the French New Wave (400 Blows, whaat!!!?? - Also the titles are tres Godard.) But even non-film nerds will appreciate an original voice and an evenhanded enough approach to the drama/comedy ratio to warrant its own distinction. The flow of action ranges from a blackmailed first kiss to schoolyard bullying to loss of virginity to parental infidelity and even darker, but never feels bogged down by the gravity of the weighty issues.

The characters Oliver Tate (Craig Roberts) and Jordana Bevan (Yasmin Paige) have a slight culty appeal that sticks in your head, and this might be the first film in a while that approaches the type of “pop in the DVD for 12 days in succession just to soak it all in” feel that I had with personal favorites like The Big Lebowski and The Royal Tenenbaums. With the help of some very slick visual scenes, it flows along to a noticeably solid score by Andrew Nesbitt and and a batch of cool, subdued original songs by Alex Turner of The Arctic Monkeys. I could not recommend this more to anyone looking for something a little off-the-wall, with a slightly quashed heart to it.


It also contains my new personal mantra, "I AM A PRISM. I AM LIGHT. I AM LUCID. I AM EXCITING AND DELICIOUS.

You think I’m silly...don’t you?"